Sober in Northumberland

Until 25 days ago, I was a drinker. No one knew actually how much I was drinking and what has been going on in my head for some time. Apart from me. I knew. But I also went to great lengths to keep it a secret from friends / family, and my husband. Especially my husband. You see, my husband has been alcohol free for 7.5 years, so I have always felt a little like he was the alcohol police. So I had to be extra sneaky to hide to him how much I was actually drinking. And not really just that, more that I wanted to hide what was going on in my own head. The constant thoughts I had about alcohol, the every day failed attempts to moderate my alcohol intake, and the increase in thoughts about how I actually didn’t want this to be my life anymore. But every time I tried to reduce or stop drinking, the most I would last is a day or so. I have never been a binge drinker, like going out on a weekend and blacking out. That just isn’t my style of drinking. Or wasn’t. I would drink in the house, and almost every day. In the end.

My life looked like I had it all under control. As I say, I was never blackout drunk. Never the loud one on a night out. My style was drinking in secret. In the living room with a few glasses of Sauvignon Blanc, watching tv. I used the wine to unwind at the end of the day. Every day. The way to cope with my children. To cope with a stressful day, of any description. From the outside I had it all together. But I didn’t. And it is scary how easy it is to get to this point.

I have never really drunk more than 1 bottle of wine, or 1 bottle of prosecco in one day. So not the typical image you’d have in your head of an alcoholic. And I wouldn’t actually say the word alcoholic at all, mostly because I think it is an outdated term, which places all of the responsibility at the foot of the person. And none at the foot of the highly addictive drug that alcohol is. Yes you have choices along the line, like I have chosen to get off the merri-go-round at this point, instead of further down the slippery slope. But ultimately more or less everyone who drinks is addicted to alcohol I think, whether you are willing to admit it or not. And the levels of addiction vary greatly.

So here I am, this is me. This is the start of my story. 25 days alcohol free today. Here we go..